Saturday, February 1, 2014

A little turn

Eden turned six months a couple of days ago. The photos below are her milder moments. When she's hungry, she attacks whatever is in front of her, usually me. She uses both hands and knees to hang on to either side of, say, my shoulder, and thrusts her mouth at the knob of it, biting. She is aggressive. Focused. Frightening.

I feel the same way sometimes. As in, I feel hungry. And aggressive. Like I need to utilize a full body head-butt and all four limbs just to latch on to what I need. Really, honey, I tell her, you don't have to work so hard. I'm trying to remind myself that too.

This January I made a list of resolutions. They were mostly silly, precise things like "get a haircut" and "buy jeans that fit" intermixed with a few vague ones like "live our life" and "make food I want to eat."  Then somewhere in the back of my brain there is this other resolution too. But it is beyond vague. It hasn't even a form yet.

Cedar asked me once where he was when I was still in school. He knew he wasn't born yet. I didn't want to go into such metaphysical discussions just then, not with a two-year-old. So I simplified, as parents do. "You were a twinkle in heaven," I told him. I didn't know what exactly that meant, but the imprecision helped, as did the magic.

And that is what this big, imprecise other resolution feels like. A twinkle.

Practically speaking, this year my goal is to turn my gaze, and then my head, and then my body, to the left. That's it. Just a little turn. I think I can manage that.
I've never done this before. I've never actually tried to change anything in my life before. Not really. Not like this. I've started exercise routines and writing regimens. I've had goals and hopes and lists upon lists upon lists of things-to-do. But I've never once considered making a change with grace. This time around I am starting off the year with the open-faced assumption that there might not be results any time soon. And that I'll probably be pretty bad at it for some time.

But it isn't about results. The big change is vague because it is a way of living as much as a way of changing. Change in general is, come to find out, not a goal written on the piece of paper, but the movements you make to get there.

Happy Lunar New Year friends. Stay tuned.

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